I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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