just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
