you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
