Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
