This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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