Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
