She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
