This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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