On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I fill condoms, not promises.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
