hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize