sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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