the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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