Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize