I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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