I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize