Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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