if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
