Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
