We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
