saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
