one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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