This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
