connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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