He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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