When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
