Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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