Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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