I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
