God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize