i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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