worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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