I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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