how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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