I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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