girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize