I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
