she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
