I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
