Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Randomize