you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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