I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
