My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
