just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
