I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
