farters have to be the big spoon...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
