Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
