i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
