Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
