Swine flu. Run for my life!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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