I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
