Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
