I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
