That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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