Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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