Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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