Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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