Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
