i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
