There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
