According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
