Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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