my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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