"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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