I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Houston, we have a blender
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
